Saturday, March 18, 2017

Finding the Darkness in the Light

Some people have hinted that my blog is a fairly sad and negative space.  I don't mean to be the kind of person who only talks about the doom and gloom in my life, as that is not my intention.

My intention is education in some maybe not so common issues.

I have so many beautiful blessings in my life, such is my title, "Pictures of my gifts".

I talk to people all the time who go through seemingly life breaking trials, trials that would knock almost anyone to their knees.  I see what they share and don't share, I see how much they are consumed by what their life has become and then I see many loose the bands of their hell and fly in the faith of their Savior.

I know women who have lost a child or multiple children to a sickness or a tragic accident.  I have known women who have never been able to have a child of their own and those they adopt are riddled with trauma and anger and these women are left with the struggle of raising a child who only wants to hurt them.

I've known men and women who have dealt with abusive husbands/wives who have hurt them over and over again, and these women and men trying their best to keep their family together, while the spouse lies and manipulates others for their personal gain.

I have known women who have been raped, beaten, and hurt by complete strangers.

I know women who have lost their spouse to death and mental illness.  Leaving them alone and lonely.

I have known men and women who struggle with infertility, with the illness of a child, their own daily struggle of health and illness.

And I've known women who have lost their entire family in a tragic accident.  Their whole family. Their heartbreak is beyond what I can ever imagine...and yet, they go on.

Most, if not all, of these women have used the faith and strength they have needed in their Savior to bear them up, to hold on and not let go, even if they are only holding on by a thread.  And to be honest, I have learned from each and every one of them.  Their dark times and light times have taught me how to fight and how to move on in my own life.

In their story of struggle, I was made stronger.

I hope that as I share what I am going through that I will only be helping those who feel they can't cope or they can't move on.  I hope that while I may not be going through what they are going through, I will be able to be a strength of hope and faith.

Sometimes when we see that others suffer, that we are not alone in our hurt, we can then hopefully gain the strength to get up, to move forward, to see the light again in our own anguish.

I know for years I suffered alone.  I suffered deeply and it affected every part of my life.  And now I am paying for it with my health.  Getting those unhealthy cells out of my body takes a lot of effort and growth.  Moving the pain out of my body rather than further inside me has taken such hard, painful, and gut-wrenching work.  And I, as all of us, will continue to be a work in progress.

God did not send us down here to wallow in our grief.

But He did send us down here to struggle, to struggle with pain, faith, work, and life.

Struggle is key.

Without struggle we can never understand joy.  Without struggle, we will stay stagnate in our growth.

Without struggle we cannot become like God.

And while we will all struggle, God also does not intend for us to do it alone.

We first and foremost, have a Savior, Jesus Christ, who has literally felt everything we have felt.

His suffering is not symbolic, it is literal.

The Savior's ability to succor us is unlike anything else in this world, but first we must let Him.  He can be the difference between night and day between utter darkness and brilliant light.

Second, God gave us each other.  WE HAVE EACH OTHER!  I don't think we understand how great of a gift this is.

So in the end, why do I write what I write, first to educate my circle of people in some of my rare, yet very difficult struggles, and second to hopefully be the beacon of light to at least one person who may need me.

I hope all of us can reach out in whatever capacity we feel we can and be the light to those who need us.

So much love to you all!



  1. People who share their painful truth are brave. Keep being brave Nikki. There is a reason why you feel inspired to write about your experiences. Yeah, it might be uncomfortable for people to read & uncomfortable is good-- it is a signal that we all-too-often neglect.

  2. Thank you!! I think of you often and hope you are well! Hugs!