Thursday, April 14, 2016

To My Future Self

The last few days have been down right hard.  The kind of hard where you question everything you are doing and why you are even trying to do anything at all.

I found myself at the front of a violent and emotional RAD episode with my L yesterday and the night before.  I was brought to my most vulnerable self awareness as she told me how much she hates me, how I'm not even her mom, how she never wants to listen to me again, how horrible of a person I am, that I don't love her, and how mean I really am.  She hit and pinched me, screamed at me and stomped on the floor, hit the walls with her little fists and had my two youngest running for cover.

I cried as soon as I dropped her off at school.  I cried like a baby out of the loss of knowing what to do.  I cried all the way home because her words really do and truly hurt me.  I cried because I saw how scared my two babies were in that moment of not knowing whether she would hurt them too.  I cried because my sweet little girl doesn't like me, she never has.  In fact, she thinks she hates me.

It was a dark and hard day for me.  Not because this was the first time this has happened and I was in shock over it, but because it was the 500th time this has happened and I am starting to believe her.

I have known too many beautiful women in my life who have suffered emotional, physical, and even sexual abuse from their spouse.  When you live with someone who treats you abusively, no matter who it is, a parent, a spouse, or in this case, even a child, you start to believe their words.

It has been a year now since we found the right diagnosis for our L.  It has been a year of me trying to heal from the idea that it wasn't ALL my fault she was this way.  A year of me trying to convince myself and others that I'm not crazy and that I didn't make it all up.

Out of desperation I knew I had to get out last night.  I had to leave so I wasn't in her path of hurt. She always does so much better when I, her nurturing enemy, isn't around.  So this was for her too.

I decided to take my E out for her birthday date.  I started dating my children long before we knew L had RAD.  I could see how much each day of living with RAD was taking out of all of us as we worked through L's rage and hurtful words to me, to them, and to our family.

It was a win, win, win for all of us.  Now it is a tradition once they turn four, each birthday my children get a date with me.  If they do well on their grades, they get a date with me.  I can't wait for the day when L wants to go out on a date with me. Until then, this is my and my other children's respite time from the chaos.

E and I went and got the food of her choice, went to a hotel, sat in bed together and watched a disney show.  She swam in the rain at the hotel's hot tub, we each got a cookie and we snuggled.

Every minute or so, E would look at me and tell me how awesome I am.  She would say this is the best night ever and how much she loved me and how much she loved snuggling with me.  She probably told me all those things at least 20 times.

My E reminded me that maybe I wasn't all that bad.  Maybe I really am a good mom and that everything L says is truly out of fear.  Fear of the unknown in her little mind.  Fear of not truly understanding what love feels like.  Fear of getting too close...even though I know she wants to.

To my future self, when someone hurts you, no matter who it is, take control and do something that helps you love yourself again.  Take control and pray.  Take control and serve someone else.  To my future self, you are in control of you and only you...take great care of that.

Lots of love,


  1. Niki,
    I have to say "thank you" for this blog. I had a couple of friends (ones that knew you from EM) that suggested that I read this in regards to my son. My son was just diagnosed with RAD, and part of the reason that this happened was because of reading your blog. I insisted that KJ be tested for RAD, but I kept being told that it wouldn't make sense for him to have this disorder. Finally, I had someone listen, and the psychologist said there was no doubt this is what KJ suffers from. KJ is seven, and we brought him home from the hospital when he was 13 days old.
    I hate to say that I'm glad that there is someone else going through this, but it does give me comfort knowing that I'm not alone, and that there is another mom that understands the heartbreak that we are suffering from.

  2. My heart just breaks for you. If you ever need to talk, I am here for you. Hugs!