Friday, January 29, 2016

Three Years Ago My Life Changed, part 3

As J's birthday approached I had been thinking of everything that happened in order for him to join our family.  I am overwhelmed every time I think of the gift we were given.

He was a gift.  Just as our L was a gift.

I have never placed a child into the arms of another mother to raise and be that child's mom.  I will not pretend to understand the grief that must bring and how I am sure that baby will be thought of each and every day for the rest of their life.

I didn't sleep very well the night we waited to have our son legally signed over to us.

We got dressed and headed over to the hospital.  I wasn't sure what to wear...something not too dressy to make me look stuffy and not too casual so She knew this was important.   My heart was full of love and panic.

Every move I made seemed crucial.  

I didn't want to do ANYTHING to cause her to change her mind.  

I knew she loved Flavio, he was the father she couldn't give him.  She beamed each time she looked at him.  J would have an amazing father and She knew it.

But I was replacing Her.  I was the one She would make sure would be the perfect fit, the perfect friend, cheerleader, teacher, helper, snuggler, and ultimately, the perfect mom for Her baby boy.

He was Hers.  And in Her mind and heart.....he always will be.

As things like this tend to go, we had to wait longer than expected.  Each tic of the clock brought more and more excitement and more and more fear.  She held him tight.  She cuddled him and spoke to him.  She had allowed us to name him and continued to call him her little Jared.

Tears were flowing from my eyes.  How could anyone do this for someone they hardly know?  How could she trust us to be the kind of parents this precious little soul deserved?

I will never know such courage.

The lawyers finally got the papers needed from the state and then it began.  

I sat on the edge of the little couch in Her room, watching as She went over the papers with the lawyer, who was so kind and gentle with her.

The process was very business-like, like She was selling us her car.  However, at the same time as I watched her sign each paper and answer every question my heart grew more and more in love with this woman.  She didn't look at me until the end and then she simply smiled.

With one signature he was ours.  Just like that.  He was no longer Hers.  Not legally, anyway. 

My face was covered in tears.  Again, I had no words.  All I could utter was, "Thank you."

We all hugged.  Grandma held him one last time.  We place him gently into his new carseat.

They walked with us out of the hospital, we hugged one more time, She blew a kiss to J and watched us get into the car....and stood there as we drove away with Her heart.

She had given us the gift we could not give ourselves....our son.  

“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break." 
-An ancient Chinese belief

Lots of love,

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