I still remember walking into the hospital room about five hours after J was born. I had never met J's birth-mom (although we had talked on the phone twice).
The room was bright and I could see a tiny baby laying in the hospital bassinet.
He was so small.
I wasn't sure what to do next as he wasn't mine. He was Hers.
I decided to first hug Her...and then I met Her mother.
Her mother was crying.
I thought quickly of how hard this all must be for this grandmother.
She did nothing wrong, she had only loved Her......and now him.
It made me worry a little as I wasn't sure if she would be able to let go. I wanted to cry for her...but I pulled myself together and made my way over to him.
There he was. Perfect all over. I loved him from the moment I saw him.....and yet, I held back.
Do I pick him up? Would She be okay with that? I looked at Her and she asked if I would like to hold him.
I nodded, yes.
Flavio hadn't arrived yet. We couldn't get on the same flight and so I spent several hours alone, thinking and praying. We all waited in the room. I held him, She held him, and grandma held him.
I felt so out of place.
She was very nice to me. We talked about random things, I don't remember what. All the while inside I was pleading that this precious baby wouldn't stay with Her. He was Hers but she had promised me that he would be mine. I felt so selfish. I wanted to love on him and cuddle him. But She was there, watching. She smiled at me a lot. She called him Jared.
I held him gently and stroked his fuzzy head.
I was falling deeply in love.
Flavio finally arrived and he met him. I could tell Flavio was holding back but I could also see that he too, had fallen in love.
Time passed slowly as we all sat in the room. She took a lot of smoking breaks...so did her mom.
Flavio and I just sat huddled together...not sure what to do or say most of the time.
We would have to wait another 24 hours to pass in order for him to be ours.
We went back to our hotel empty handed and we prayed all night that She wouldn't change her mind.
Lots of love,