Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Three Years Ago My Life Changed Forever...








Three years ago, today, I was sitting in a meeting for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, when I received a call that our birth-mother, who had chosen our family, had gone into labor.

Our journey to receive the gift of our son was nothing short of a miracle.

We had decided we were done having children after our E was born.

Parenting our L had become one of the hardest trials of our lives and I knew I was at the end of my rope.

Why in the world would we bring another little soul into what I considered a big, fat, chaotic mess?

I hated most days here on earth and felt like the world was coming in on me.  No one understood what we were dealing with and worst off, not many believed us.......not even our therapists.

But one day as I was sitting in church, listening to an amazing lesson about how we can better help our sons in this difficult world, I had an overwhelming feeling that I too had a son.

I literally laughed out loud.

See, for my husband and me to bring another soul into our family, we either have to go through the awful process of IVF (which is no guarantee of a baby and I had already done that 5 times) or adoption (in which I was TERRIFIED of at that point because I thought I was ruining our L).

So either way, I was not interested.

I pretty much said, it would have to be an act of God and left it at that.

However, not too long after, I felt it again and both my husband and I knew we needed to go for it.

And I will say...God truly has a sense of humor...as we both knew pretty quick that we needed to adopt this precious spirit.

Without getting into the detail, as so much of it is sacred to us...we followed that prompting.  And only three weeks after we were accepted by the adoption agency, miraculously, we were receiving the call that our birthmother was going into labor.

The emotions that went through me ranged from paralyzing fear to complete and total bliss.  We had prayed that our son would be healthy both in spirit and in body. His birthmother had done meth the first 5 months of her pregnancy, partied hard, lived in a garage with other meth users, had a horrible diet, and had chain smoked the entire pregnancy.

I squirmed in terror that he would be like just our L, but something inside said that he wouldn't but instead of listening to that comfort.....I continued with good deal of fear.

Fear of his physical and mental health and fear of whether or not we would be bringing him home.

I was all too painfully aware that his birth-mom could change her mind at any time during the adoption process.  I tried with all my heart NOT to get too excited...but of course, that was impossible.

I prayed CONSTANTLY that if she were to change her mind, she would change it before I could ever hold him.  I had known without a doubt that he was supposed to come to us as soon as I read the email about him, but I still questioned my feelings out of total protection of a broken heart.  See, I had lost three babies before we received our L and knew it was an honest and painful truth of the adoption process.

However, deep down I knew I was already in love.  A love that goes deeper than most loves.  A mother's love.  I already cared for his future.  I already knew I wanted to him to be mine.

Three years ago my life changed.  I didn't know at the time that the amazingly beautiful little boy that would grace our lives would truly be ours forever...but my heart was full and overflowing with hope.

Lots of love,
Niki

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