Friday, December 11, 2015

Don't tell my child she is cute.

It has been a couple of months since I updated our progress with L.  Things haven't changed much.  We are doing our best to help her have the desire to heal...but thus far we haven't seen much progress.  That is not to say that what we are doing isn't productive...as there is a TON of repetition needed in regards to kids with RAD.  She doesn't feel guilt or any kind of remorse for her actions.  Thus her learning curve is totally skewed.

My post today is about L's ability to feel love.

She can't.

So she replaces love with attention.

Now I know I've said this before.  However, at therapy last week, L looked at me (not in the eyes they avoid eye contact) and said, 

"I would rather have the attention of others, than your love." 

I had already known this.  But for her to verbalize it was somewhat shocking.

What does this mean you may wonder.

In short it means, when L gets attention of any kind she feels fulfilled.

L literally lives for attention.

So when someone tells L how cute she is (this is the most common) she beams with joy because inside she is thinking, "I'm good, I don't need love."

When someone tells her they LOVE her hair or her bow or her dress or her big brown eyes, she thinks, "I'm good, I don't need love."

This is why we don't go out as a family.

Without fail, a few or many wonderful people who just don't know or don't understand, will look at L and tell her one or all of these things.

L now associates her worth with how cute she is.

As a seven year old, that doesn't seem too harmful.

But, it is.

She feels that she needs nothing else in life but people paying attention to her.

So when she is 17 and all she wants is attention...where will she go?

When she doesn't have a conscience or want to feel real, true love...where will she go?

I think we ALL know the answer to that.

Many, many RAD girls drop out of school, have teen pregnancies, and end up in jail or dead.

Many become prostitutes.

When she sees that her only worth comes from how cute she is...what else is she supposed to think?

This is why we don't go out.

I am protecting her from others...but mostly herself.

If we can help her see that her worth is not in her looks but in who she is, then slowly but surely she will hopefully desire to change, to heal, to want real, wonderful love.

So when you happen to see L, please don't tell her how cute she is.

If you must talk to her...tell her to keep working hard at her therapy.  Tell her that her family loves her.  Tell her that you pray for her to heal.

She will understand your lingo.  It is ALL I say to her.  She knows I love her.  And that scares her to death.

To anyone who has told her how cute she is...me included...don't feel bad.  We are all learning here.  We need you and your support.

Lots of love,
Niki