Tuesday, October 27, 2015

L is Seven

Our L had a birthday this weekend.  She turned seven.  Part of the therapy we are doing right now is working on helping her understand the difference between LOVE and ATTENTION.

She does not know why they are different as she has never in her life actually felt love...even though we have given her all our love for seven years.

In that therapy we are asked not to make a big deal of her birthday right now.  This is heartbreaking as a mother but necessary as her caregiver.  This is so she does not gain too much attention and fall backwards in her therapy.

We had cake and she opened some cards.  She got a new pair of shoes and a new mattress.  It was short...but sweet and I could see that it was what she could handle.

In this video I wanted to show that while we are doing the HARD stuff right now, we still love, pray for and hope every day for our second baby.

This video does not depict the rage she holds inside...but that is part of her RAD.  She holds it in and charms everyone around her.  Her rage comes out with us...but we are slowly seeing that rage dim.

One of the leaders of RAD therapy said this:

"The unattached child literally does not have a stake in humanity” (Magid & McKelvey 1988). They do not think and feel like a normal person. “At the core of the unattached is a deep-seated rage, far beyond normal anger. This rage is suppressed in their psyche. Now we all have some degree of rage, but the rage of psychopaths is that born of unfulfilled needs as infants. Incomprehensible pain is forever locked in their souls, because of the abandonment they felt as infants.” (Magid & McKelvey 1988) “There is an inability to love or feel guilty. There is no conscience. Their inability to enter into any relationship makes treatment or even education impossible.” (Bowlby 1955). Some infamous people with Attachment Disorder that did not get help in time:  Saddam Hussein, Edgar Allen Poe, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Ted Bundy. One famous person with Attachment Disorder who did get help in time (in 1887!) and became one of the greatest humanitarians the US has ever produced is Helen Keller.

It is hard for us during these times where we want to celebrate our daughter knowing that in the end she only feels a need for more attention.  But I also wanted to show that even though most of my posts are depressing and full of what seems like harshness...in the end it will all work to her benefit.

This treatment is her mental chemotherapy...it may seem cruel to put your child through something that seems to make them suffer more (even though she isn't suffering more, in her mind she feels safer)...but the treatment works and in the end they will be healthier and have a better life where L will have her own stake in humanity.

When I heard this song...I thought of my L.  It is perfect for what she is dealing with right now.

We love you, L!

video



Lots of love,
Mom and Dad

Monday, October 19, 2015

"Would you still love me if I killed you?"

I know the title may be harsh and brings out some raw emotion in all of us.  No one wants to hear these words from anyone...but especially not from your six almost seven year old daughter or son.

While I know there are kids out there who will say things in anger they don't really mean...the difference with that child and my child is that my child actually means it.

She has told me many times she wants to hurt me and make me sad.  She has told me I am the worst person in the world, I'm not her mother and that she hates me so many times I've lost count.

However the one sentence that scared me into action to find out what was really happening with her was when she asked me, very calmly,

"Mommy, would you still love me if I killed you?"

She has hurt all three of my children in ways that still haunts at least my two oldest...as stated in this graphic and very disturbing video L is a child of RAD where:

"They are children who cannot love or accept love...
Children without conscience who can hurt or even kill without
REMORSE." 

While in utero our L was abused by alcohol, drugs, and probably severe emotional abuse from her birth mother and maybe others around her.  We may never know what really happened but L's brain did not form to allow her to love or be loved.  She was born broken.  She has classic RAD.

I wanted to share this video because it shows in no other way that I can ever express the true RAGE and feelings of a RAD child.  I want to warn you though of the graphic information this little six year old had to endure at the hands of her very own birth father.  Most children with RAD have come from homes of severe abuse that causes their brain to literally shut out any love from anyone.  They become angry and violent seeking only to fill their own needs and desires which usually include hurting someone less powerful than themselves or those who seem to love them the most.  They lose the ability to feel bad about anything they do to anyone or anything...but at the same time they usually hate themselves and think they are worthless and evil.  Unfortunately they live up to these expectations of themselves all too often.

I know too many children with RAD who are at the ages of 13, 14, 15 who are now in prison because of the hurt they have done to others.  So many loving families are destroyed because of their RAGE. This RAD world I have entered has consumed to me to a degree I never knew possible.  While I am trying to dig my way out to get healing for myself, I am really just trying my best to help heal my daughter with the help of her specialized school and her therapist. 

I have the full support of a loving husband who has not experienced her full RAGE as I have, but has seen enough to know that she is able and willing to hurt those who love her the most.

We have many of our friends and family who also have been as understanding and helpful as they can.  Some people in our life are not as supportive and judge us and her wrong...but we are starting to be okay with that. Obviously, unless you live with a child with RAD there is no way to truly understand what it is like. However, I am so grateful for all of the prayers and love we have been given as so many have seen us try to do our best with helping her.  I also want to add that I am not in any way trying to gain sympathy here.  I realize that I talk about this a lot...but I have been able to help so many other families just by sharing the information I have about RAD online and I feel that getting this horrific info out will only help those who are suffering without knowing why.

Here is the link to the video.  Once again it is very hard to listen to because of the abuse that was done to her and what she has done and wants to do to the loving family that adopted her.  

THERE IS A HAPPY ENDING to this video, however, and that is what Flavio and I are fighting for.  We are fighting for L and our family so that we can all be safe and that L can one day feel love for herself and from those that love her most. 

(It is about 25 minutes long.)


Lots of love,
Niki