My oldest daughter just started her first day of school today...4th grade!!! It is amazing how fast the summer went and how fast she is growing into a young woman.
My heart leaps for joy in the young person she is becoming. I pray for her safety and acceptance at
school this year. Having a sister with RAD takes a toll on everyone in the home....
As my oldest daughter starts 4th grade my L was supposed to start 1st grade with her.
Many sweet and unknowing people have asked what grade will L be in and is she excited to start school?...when they find out that she is already in a school they ask, are you having fun? To answer that question...No, no she isn't.
I can't tell you how much these sweet questions backfire on me. She ends up so angry at me and takes it out sometimes in violent ways.
Just this morning when I got her up and handed her her clothes for the day she had this upset look on her face. I told her good morning and left it as she is CONSTANTLY looking for attention (she believes attention is love).
As I was about to leave she blew up at me.
"WHY DON'T I GET TO GO TO SCHOOL WITH HANNAH!?" "SOMEONE SAID THEY'D SEE ME AT LAKEVIEW! BUT BECAUSE OF YOU, THEY WON'T!"
I've learned how to have patience like I never knew I could so even with all her yelling she does...I stay pretty serene.
"You know why, you are at New Hope because of your choices and to help you overcome your issues with obedience and your violent behavior."
"YOU ARE SO MEAN!" She continues to scream.
"YOU ALWAYS MAKE EVERYTHING MY FAULT!" Still yelling. "IT ISN'T MY FAULT! YOU KEEP ME THERE! IT'S YOUR FAULT!"
In which I have to close the door behind me while she bangs on it and kicks the wall.
I wish so badly that I could hang a sign around her neck telling others:
"My child has RAD, in order for her to heal I need you to not to talk to her, too much attention hurts her brain and doesn't let her heal. We are doing everything in our power to help her through this. SHE HAS TO LEARN THAT ATTENTION DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE and she will look for ATTENTION in any way she can get it. This is why you don't see us very often out and about. This is why we are prisoners in our own home. We are doing everything we can to keep her away from all the wonderful people who just want to say hi and tell her how cute she is."
I then went upstairs not five minutes later to give her her breakfast and she smiled at me like nothing happened...this is the norm (she really wasn't upset...she just wanted to see how I would react and wanted attention for it). Because of her violent behavior she has to spend most of her time in her room...she actually prefers it right now because of her attachment disorder...being with people who love her makes her feel crazy inside and so she acts out when she is with us. She knows how to earn her way out of her room...but she always sabotages it somehow daily. She will stay there until she decides to earn it.
I cringe when I realize what we truly have to do. But then I have to remind myself that her brain is sick. So just like a child who's body is sick, we have to take the hard steps to heal her. While she may not seem different or sick...SHE IS. She has RAD and if we don't help her heal now she has all the makings of a psychopath. That's right...a psychopath. She feels no guilt...no remorse. Her daily goal is to show Flavio, me and her teachers/therapists that we are not in control of her.
I realize it sounds like we are labeling her. But because of that label we have been able to find help and hope in her school and in her therapist. My daughter can't handle the normal real world right now and all the well wishers in it. So this is my sign for her. We love all you well wishers so much, we just wish she could love you too.
Lots of love,