Monday, June 22, 2015

New Hope with RAD

I thought I'd update those who have been asking about how miss L is doing with this new RAD or Reactive Attachment Disorder diagnosis.  It has been a few months and one would hope that we would be seeing improvements with her therapy.

Many people ask how things are going and unfortunately that is a loaded question.

In the end, it's just a day to day and week to week thing.  RAD therapy takes years.

RAD is a brain trauma.  In fact it is compared to PTSD.  It takes months if not years for any transformation and in the process of healing some days can be worse from the actual therapy.

So I write to you to tell you that not much has improved.  Miss L does ride a horse every Saturday which has, we feel, calmed her tantrums down quite a bit...and then tonight she reminded us that she still is able to pack a punch...literally.

We found what we consider her contraband hidden under her carpet and baseboards tonight, as we have stripped the rest of her room bare so that was one of that last places she had to hide anything she has stolen...we found seven items thus far.

RAD is a painful journey and a lonely journey.  Not very many understand what it is like to have a child with RAD...it's like having a child with a terminal spiritual condition (chronic lying, stealing, hurting, defying, disobedient, unloving, and false charming) that you know if you don't fix it now, will one day lead them down a road of jail, drugs or death in this life.

So we are doing our best to fix it.

But I am still a mess.  I am still a crazy bedtime, nap time, rule crazy mom because if I'm not my little RAD child will walk all over us.  The rules in my house are unlike so many that it is hard for me to even relate to normal any more.

I hide in my home, in my room, in my tub.  I cry in my shower, in my pillow, and out loud.

I have those in my life who have shown me amazing love and support and those who have shown me none.  Such as all of us do.  But most importantly I have found a love and relationship with the One who truly does understand my suffering here within my home and have leaned on Him more than I ever have in my life, even during our infertility journey.

I am grateful to all of you who have sent me texts or brought me flowers, who have called me on the phone to say hello.  I am grateful for those who have offered to watch my other kids while I cart miss L around to her therapy and her amazing new school, New Hope Academy.

While I talk about how difficult this journey is, I know that miss L was sent here to teach me how to love more deeply than I ever knew possible.  Loving someone who despises you is hard.  It's fall on your knees, I want to give up hard.  However, she was entrusted to me so that I may find a way to help her overcome the horrible hurt that was done to her so early on in her life.  Coming here to little Saratoga Springs has given us and her the tools with a school, a therapist and horse therapy every week.  By the time she is healed I know my knees will be sore from my pleas and cries to my Heavenly Father.  But I pray every day that her little life will bring new hope of a love none of us can now possibly imagine.

So those around me please be patient with me as I go through my ups and downs.  I too have been diagnosed with PTSD:  (http://www.come-over.to/FAS/RADparentsPSTD.htm)  So my hurt is deeper than I thought.  I am learning and growing through this crazy process and hope one day to find myself again...a much better version of myself :)

I love all of you who have truly been my friends.  I have felt your love and your prayers and I will always be grateful to you.

Lots of love,
Niki