Sunday, May 10, 2015

When Mother's Day Hurts

Today was such a good day for me.  My husband let me sleep in a little longer, he brought me my favorite breakfast in bed, rice chex and a banana (I know I'm a fancy girl).  When I finally dragged myself out of bed I had four little people waiting for me to give me hugs and kisses and show me the cards and presents they made for me at school.  Flavio had given me a card with all their little signatures or scribbles.  It was everything a mother could ask for....

After I put the cards and presents away, I really sat back and looked at my children in awe and thought...who would have thought that these four little munchkins would be calling me, mother.

I can vividly remember when Mother's Day ripped me apart.  I hated it.  I loathed it.  I wept because of it.  My dreams of being a mom were dashed by our infertility and we had already gone through two IVF treatments when our second Mother's Day hit.  I wanted to hide in a cave and be swallowed whole.  I was desperately to escape this empty hell I was living.  But the living should go on living, so I decided to go to our LDS church anyway knowing I would just be hit with a pain I wasn't sure I could bear.

I don't remember too much of the meetings that day.  Just the constant barrage of reminders that I wasn't a part of "that" club yet.  Of course ALL the women received something, but in my mind I felt like it was more of a consolation prize.  Everyone was nice and kind and pleasant.  But in reality, the whole day just hurt.  My heart, my mind, my soul hurt.  I came home and cried.

So for all you women out there who are crying today because your heart is aching for that little one to hold, my heart aches with you and for you.  No one who has never gone through the pain of infertility will ever understand this pain.  While I do not say to wallow in your misery because that is never healthy, I do understand that this day does hurt.  I pray that it won't always hurt for you.  I pray that soon Mother's Day will be a good day as it was for me today.  May your next Mother's Day be one of happiness and joy is my prayer for you.

Lots of love,
Niki


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