Tuesday, May 27, 2014

I was terrified....My fear came true.

Many of you know that we have adopted two of our four children.  



Our Lia came to us through adoption.  We never met her birth mom or dad and we have never had any contact with them since her birthmother closed the adoption when Lia turned 6 months old.  This has been both a blessing and a curse for me as Lia's mother.  As it is easier not to have contact, but harder in regards to Lia ever wanting to meet with her birthparents.

Lia is a very passionate, inquisitive girl.  She thinks things through, she worries and stresses about almost everything.  Her sensitivity level is high, so when something changes in her life, she tends to not deal well with it.

However, along with that passionate personality comes a fun loving, super caring, smart girl.  She can love you almost to death.

But with that passion, my fear of her understanding that she was adopted has scared me for a long time now.

Lia has always known she is adopted.  However, she hasn't always known what adoption means. Because of her personality, I have felt that I needed to, at least, wait until she asked me what it meant or where she came from...and so I did.  I know her so well that I knew it would push her further than she's ever been pushed before.  And I wasn't sure if she or I could handle that.

I was terrified.

And tonight that fear became a reality.

After reading a story about bravery, we talked about what we could be brave about.  Lia said, "I can be brave about being adopted." (yes, I started to cry) I know now she had been thinking about it more then I had known.

Then she looked at me with those big brown eyes and asked what adoption actually meant and where she had come from.  So I told her.  I told her she came to us through her birth parents.  She asked me their names, so I told her.  We haven't talked about her birthparents before.  So this was VERY hard for her.  She said she wanted to go live with them.  This was VERY hard for me.  She said she wanted to get to know them and see them every day.  I told her it wasn't possible.  This was VERY hard for her.  She told me she missed them and wished they would have kept her.  This was VERY hard for me.

I hugged her and stroked her hair.  We cried.  A lot.  I told her that they love her very much.  I told her they knew the life they had would never be the best life for her.  I told her that God had a plan for all of us and that He needed her to come through them to be with us.  I told her so many of her family and friends are adopted.  I told her it was what made her, Lia.  I told her that she has four parents that love her, but we were the ones who could care for her in this life.

She hugged me harder.  She told me I was the best mom in the world.  I told her I knew she was supposed to be my daughter.  I told her that one day, if we can, we will try to meet them, but if not, she will be able to find them in heaven.  She liked that too.  In the end, Lia was brave.  Her little 5 year old going on 30 self, took it all in.  I know this discussion isn't over.  And I know her pain and suffering isn't over either, but she was brave and I am proud to be her mother.

I learned something tonight:

We may not understand's God's plan for us.  It may seem ridiculous and hard.  There may be 20 easier ways for us to accomplish what we think He wants us to do or learn.  But He knows us better than we know ourselves.  He loves us more than we love ourselves.  Don't you think He would have in mind what's best for us?  Her trial of adoption has already helped her grow.  I told Lia that she had a choice, she could either be angry and be alone in her grief or she could see how beautiful adoption is and share it with others and one day help those who are struggling with being adopted.  And her young sweet mind said, I want to help others.

What a gift.

My fears came true.  But once again, God showed me that His plan is much better than my own.

Lots of love,
Niki