Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Clinical Anxiety and Borderline HFA = One Overwhelmed Mama

So many times, as parents, I think we watch our children and wonder, "Am I doing a good job?  Can I do a better job?  Do I really know what they need or how to be the parent they need?"

I will admit, I'm a worrier.  I worry almost about everything.  I worry if I'm too strict or too lax, I worry about my family's safety daily, I worry about health, sickness, pain, and mostly...

...I worry if I'm being the mom each one of my children need.

Each child is so insanely different.  You finally think you have parenting down and then boom, the next one comes out laughing and tells you otherwise.

How do you know how to work with each little amazingly completely different spirit?

To be honest, I am in no way sure of that answer....but just like the rest of you, I'm doing my best.

I want to make sure you all understand how much I love each one of my children. They have all come with so many unique and amazing gifts.  Each one giving me both joy and heartache.

As you know, I have discussed some of our challenges with our little Lia.  The name of my blog is about her.  Since she was two, her strong spirited personality has brought me to my knees almost daily. When we had her tested at 3 because of her severe behavior issues in public, we were told she was gifted.

"She's really smart." The doctor told me.  "This will be a real challenge."  She continued.  We did 8 months of play therapy and Lia got so much better...for awhile.

Lia is 5 now.  And while she is bright, loving and determined we have seen a change...or a lack of change, when we thought for sure we would see one.  Her daily tantrums, lies, yelling and screaming in my face, her inability to deal with change, surprises and everyday humor has worn me to a frazzle....

After Lia's diagnosis, I hoped we had a handle on things.  I hoped we were going to be okay.  I hoped I wouldn't have to worry any more...but I was wrong.

Something just didn't sit right.  And for awhile I didn't say anything.  I trusted the doctor...who in the end wasn't wrong, but because Lia was so young, she wasn't able to be complete in her testing.

So, after many weeks of her anger and severe tantrums at age 5, I had to find help....

And today we have just found out that our Lia, while not possessing the syndrome, was diagnosed with borderline HFA or High Functional Autism, which means she scores high on two out of the four criteria that would diagnose her with autism.  She also has and clinical anxiety, along with being gifted.

I feel overwhelmed.

I feel defeated.

I feel tired.

We will take this one step at a time.  I am not completely surprised, but at the same time I feel lost and scared.

Lia has been a challenge for me as a mother.  But I am fighting for her.  And I will always fight for her.

I love being a mother.  But, being a mother has been one of my most difficult trials.

Its funny, getting them here was also one of my biggest trials.... ;)

I would love any comments that may help us.

Lots of love,