Monday, January 14, 2013

Losing one's child...

I came across an article today that for me, was very personal.  It talked about how many of us, who suffer from infertility, feel alone.  And this is true.  It is like people will avoid you, or will avoid talking to you about what you are going through, it is as if the word, "infertility", is taboo.  While getting into someone's business is truly not the idea, but if you know someone in your family or if you have a good friend who you know is going through infertility being there for them is as important for being there if their child died.

Yes, both are a very painful loss.

Losing a child at any stage is still a loss.

When you lose a child, you cry, you get angry, you go numb, you grieve, you feel empty...I know because I have been there.

And while losing a child after they have been born to you is truly one of life's greatest trials...

Many lose this child through miscarriage.

Many lose this child through an adoption gone awry.

Many lose this child the moment the doctor tells them conception is not possible.

Many lose this child with a negative IVF pregnancy test.

Many lose hope that this child will never be theirs.

Being infertile is a lonely road.  You don't have the hoards of people coming and caring for you as if you lose your child after it is born; you don't have people calling or sending dinners.  It is if you have the plague.  People avoid you.  Or they just don't know.  It is hard to talk about and tell people.  No one knows the pain you are suffering, because no one seems to ask.  I know the feeling of good friends and family staying clear of me during the hardest times of my life.  I was in the blackest of holes when we lost our first, second and third baby during IVF.  No one called, no one knew. When we lost our first and second babies in adoption and aside from a few select amazing friends, again, we were for the most part left alone in our grief.  I know the isolation that comes from going through infertility.

I hope you will be the one to reach out to these couples who need you.  Please, if they are open to help,  help them.  Even if you don't know what to say, just being there for them will make all the difference.

Lots of love,
Niki

This is the article I read:
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/when-infertility-strikes.html

10 comments:

  1. I am sorry for all of the sadness you are experiencing. I will pray for you right now. Love, Becky

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    1. Becky, I am so blessed to have you in my life. Even though we have never met, you have made a difference :) Thank you for being such a loving and caring person. We need more of you in this world.

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  2. Niki, I am so sorry to hear this. We understand. We struggle also and have difficulty having kids. We lost our first child - stillborn at 8 months. It was very hard and very depressing. We were in NYC then and were so far away from family and friends. Our oldest is now 5 years old but it took us 5 years before having her. Going through those moments you do feel abandoned and ignored and no one can ever discount what you have gone or are going through. We are now at the stage that we got out of the "dark tunnel" and what I can say is that after all the trials blessings do come. We look back and say, wow we have grown from those tribulations.

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    1. I am so sorry, Cromwell. And you are right, going through those hard times have been some of the most defining moments of my life and my testimony that our Savior is there and loves us. We too are out of that dark tunnel, but the pain of those losses will always be with me; hopefully giving me more love and compassion for others who are suffering. Thank you for your comment. Your family is just beautiful!

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  3. Niki,I had no idea that this is something that you and your family have gone through. I can't express enough to you how much I love you and your family. I know I've only known you for some months, but you guys took me in when I most needed it. I feel like you guys are my family, and I am forever grateful for you and Flavio, and for your amazing examples. I am so blessed to have you in my life, and I want you to know that I love and care for you guys. You are in my prayers, always. Love, Brittany

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    1. Thank you, Brittany, we love you too :) We will always be here for you, and we will miss you terribly after you are married :(

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  4. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not knowing. I wish you and your family peace, comfort, and happiness in your future.

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    1. Thank you. That means a lot! We love and miss you! Hopefully you will come close when you decide on a college ;)

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  5. Okay, 4 for 4. :) Although, to be fair, I was already crying before I came to your blog from reading an article about losing a foster child to her biological parent. It's a good thing I like crying. :) Great article. I think that most people just don't know how to treat their loved one(s), so they ignore them. I really like the idea of simply asking them how they, personally, want things to be handled. I've heard of people getting offended when people bring up their issue, but also when people don't, so I can see how people are scared to say anything one way or another. I wish everyone was like you and had a blog full of their feelings! :)

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    1. I love you to death! Thank you for all your amazing comments and I think you are absolutely right! And thank you, I love to blog :)

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