Being a veteran adoptive parent and having gone through a process both successfully and unsuccessfully, I think my mind has gone into protective mode. And what I mean by that is, my mind is trying to protect my heart.
I want to be perfectly honest about my feelings at this moment. And I wish I could totally understand them myself, but the emotions that come with any life changing event are for anyone, I am sure, all over the place.
While I am so excited to be the mother of this precious baby boy, I realize that I am not his mother yet. My mind tells me to hold off on falling in love right away. It is telling me to try to wait and not think about him or desire him in my arms. My mind wants me to be safe from harm that may be caused by this wonderful woman's ultimate choice.
So my question my heart keeps asking my mind is, do I dare fall in love?
Do I dare dream of holding him, loving him, feeding him, comforting him? Do I dare imagine him with my girls, my husband, my family? Do I dare dream of the man he will be or the things we will do together? Do I dare look forward to what may or may not be?
The agony of not knowing has caused my mind to rule over my heart for now.
Although my whole being is filled with excitement and hope, I am also filled with dread and fear. I am not sure if I will be able to recover if this sweet, wonderful woman takes one look at this perfect baby boy and decides she can't let go. I don't think my heart can handle much more loss when it comes to having children.
However, I do know my Savior will carry me through, as he always has in the past...
(picture by: http://jodibeacon.blogspot.com/)
For now, I am not daring that leap of love. My desire for him is great. But my fear of loss is almost just as great.
Lots of love,