Tuesday, November 20, 2012

A little girl's dream

I remember growing up, playing house, or playing dolls and pretending that I was a mom. I remember dreaming about how many kids I would have, would they be boys or girls?  What would they look like?  What would I name them?  And as I got older I dreamed about how I would tell my family when my future husband and I were expecting, I thought of ideas to surprise them and share the wonderful news with them.  But life didn't ask me what I wanted.



I saw this quote today and it got me thinking.  No, of course this was not in my dreams.  Never, once, did I think this of this.  My mom and dad had gone through infertility, no way would I have to go through that too.  I was already gypped from having siblings, God wouldn't gyp me from having kids as well.  

(Now, I will say that I have come to understand that God didn't do this to me.  But at the time, I wanted Him to fix it.  I wanted Him to give me a brother or a sister my whole life, but that never happened.  So when I found out that I wasn't going to be able to have kids either, I blamed Him.  And I am sorry for it.)

However, regardless of who is to blame or why these things happen.  Life never really goes the way we dream it to go.  Sometimes life is better, sometimes it is harder.  Either way, we don't have much control over such things.

Now, just because I didn't dream the dream of going through IVF (I didn't even know what it was).  It doesn't mean I haven't been able to live my dream of being a mother.  Whether we go through infertility treatments or the amazing miracle of adoption, motherhood was still possible.  

I am grateful God did not give me the dream I dreamed.  I could never have grown or developed the way I have from this awful, amazing experience.  God knows me better than I know myself.  He loves me more than I love myself.  He will do what is best for me in the long run.

No, I never dreamed of being an IVF mom or and adoptive mom.  But I am proud that I am.  And I wouldn't change God's dream for me, for anything.

Lots of love
Niki

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