Stress in Hiding

Have you ever done something in your life that was stressing you out and you didn't even realize it?  Have you taken on a project that seems to be a perfect fit, but find yourself feeling overwhelmed anyway?

This is what happened to me.

I would have to say that having my fourth baby has really been my breaking point.  I feel tired and overwhelmed with kids needing my attention.  I love each one of my precious little babes, and I felt myself being short tempered and feeling less than enthusiastic in playtime with them.

I decided to take a deep hard look at what could be a cause of this.

I will say this, I feel it is very important for each and every person to find a hobby, interesest, a talent...something that is just yours and work on it.  It could be running, art, music, reading, writing, photography, sewing, etc.  

As I looked at what I was doing with my time, I found more time than I thought was being taken up by my photography.  I was taking time away from my children with the planning, shooting and editing time of taking pictures.  I was blessed to have many clients and many opportunities to work with some amazing and fun people...but I was missing my children.

 I found myself stressing over the weather for the session, the time of the shoot, getting the session done in time for Hannah's recital or Lia's activity...I found myself not being around for many bedtime stories and prayers.  I found myself running out the door at dinner time or Saturday morning snuggle time.  And then my husband asked me one day, "Are you happy doing this?"

I thought about that.  And I came to the conclusion that while I do love photography, I found that I don't love the time it takes away from my children or my husband.  

I am grateful for the time I spent taking pictures of babies, families, brides and grooms, children and even pets; it pushed me to be a better photographer.

I will never give up photography.  But I will be learning and doing things on my own time.  

Lots of love,

Niki

She made me a mother...

I think there is something special about your first child, of course this doesn't mean that you love this child more than your others, but your first child is the one who made you a mother.  This child is the one who breaks you into the craziness and joy that is being a mother.  They are your guinea-pig for everything you do as a mother.  You count on them, you are harder on them and you find yourself learning how much you really don't know as a mother because of them.

Hannah is my oldest.

I couldn't have asked for a better "oldest" child.

She is loving, kind, smart, helpful, funny, (mostly) obedient, spiritual, and beautiful inside and out.

My Hannah made me a mother.

I have said this before and I will say it again, I always wanted to be a mother and as soon as Flavio and I were married we felt that we should try to build our family.

Of course, after a year of trying, I still wasn't a mother.

So we turned to In Vitro and after the first round, I still was not a mother.

Then we did a second round, I still was not a mother.

But I wasn't going to give up.

After our third try at In Vitro I heard the most wonderful and joyful words from our doctor,

"You're pregnant!"

And this little bundle of sweetness came into our lives and made us parents.

We named her Hannah, which means, "gift from God".

She was a true miracle and gift to us.

And now my little miracle is seven.

And I still can't believe seven years have gone by.

This little spirit has brought me more joy and love than I could have ever asked for.

I love you, Hannah!

Happy Happy Birthday to the most amazing seven year old in my life!

Lots of love,

Mom

An Unmade Bed

There is something about getting my bed made every day that makes me feel like I actually accomplished something.  I know it sounds crazy, but that is how I feel.

So today when I went into my room it was 3:40 and I noticed I hadn't made my bed.

I thought to myself, have I done anything today?

So I really thought about it... (and this is in no way to brag, I have a point, so bear with me)

First, I woke up at 3:00 am to feed my little guy.  He has made that a regular for the last week or so.  So once I got him fed and burped, it was about 3:30.  Then, I went back to bed.

 I woke up to my 2 year old crying for us at 6:30 am and we were up for the day.

I did Hannah's hair, got Eva and Lia breakfast and sent Hannah and Flavio off.

I then fed Jared again.

And I ate.

After that, I gave both Eva and Lia a bath, letting them play awhile.  Once we were done, I got Lia ready for school.  I decided to french braid her hair, which is not an easy task, but she loves it, so we did it and then finished with Eva's hair.

Then I loaded everyone in the van and we were off to Lia's school, after I took a few minutes to freshen up.

Straight from Lia's school I took Jared and Eva to the grocery store.  Eva didn't make it easy.  She loves to get in and out of the cart and gets angry when I don't do as she desires....

We then came home and I put all the groceries away.

Then I loaded everyone back in the car and we went to get Lia from school.

Once we got home, I made lunch for Eva and Lia and fed Jared again.  I got them all down for a nap and made my own lunch.  With a few minutes for myself, I decided to call my mom as I needed a little adult time.  That usually takes up about an hour ;)

After I talked to my mom I picked up a around the house did a little laundry and made an important phone call.

Then I woke both Lia and Eva up so we could go pick up Hannah from her school in American Fork.

Once we got back, I spent time with Hannah and her homework, did a few more chores and that is when I found my bed...unmade with the pillows on the floor.

But, once I went through all that I had done in my head, I realized the bed being unmade wasn't really that big of deal after all.  Of course I made it, it makes me feel better when I do.

I then loaded everyone back in the car and off to Hannah's dance class we went.

I guess I really did do something today.

My point here is, I'm too hard on myself as a mother and housewife sometimes.  It's hard to see what we have done somedays, as there is little concrete evidence of how we may have spent our time...but we do so much every day: spending time with our kids, doing things for them, ie changing diapers, doing hair, giving baths, getting them dressed, getting them snacks, breaking up fights and tantrums, making sure they are fed, clothed and educated.  Not to mention any play time we spend with them.  We do house work, cleaning bathrooms, cooking, doing dishes, getting kids to the doctor, school and other activities.  We help neighbors and family, we have play dates and chats with friends.

In the end, you have done more than you know.

I hope that I can learn from this and I hope you can too.  Just because your bed isn't made doesn't mean you haven't done anything productive that day...it just means you didn't get to making the bed.

Lots of love,

Niki

Adoption vs. Abortion

This has been in the news lately, and I wanted to share my thoughts....

Adoption vs abortion may seem like an easy choice for most of us.

It would be so easy to say, "Of course I will give this baby life and give him/her to total strangers...."

(lots of sarcasm here)

Now don't get me wrong, with my life's experiences, I am definitely PRO-LIFE.

However, just like most complex issues in this world, nothing is really black or white. 

Of course the moral of it is, black or white.

For example:

Abortion is murder.  Unless there are health issues or psychological issues.

while...
Adoption gives life and most of the time blesses all involved.

Thus one can conclude that Abortion is bad

and Adoption is good.

However...

Try being in that woman's shoes who has to choose.

(Just a side note, this post does not sympathize with those women/men who are pro-choice for no other reason than to think abortion isn't murder or that their lifestyle means more than any fetus's.  I will never agree with their ideals of what "life" is and that the baby doesn't have any say.  This post is only for all of us to look at how broken our society is when comes to this topic and how we can change the rhetoric)

First, I don't blame the government, abortion happens everywhere with every government...the government is just trying to control who they will end up feeding and supporting for the rest of our lives.

I blame us.

I blame our inability to talk about complex issues with those who need it most, our children.

We live in a society today where selfishness and responsibility are trying to go hand in hand.

The world says,

"Be responsible, don't do anything wrong!"

"But if you do, fix it so it doesn't bother the rest of us."

After going through 10 years of infertility I had to overcome my anger towards...every pregnant teenage girl I saw, or the pregnant women I saw smoking a cigarette or the ones I didn't see who did drugs or drank alcohol or the millions of babies born and left in orphanages without love or a family, and of course my anger towards any woman who felt abortion is an option...with that, I feel I have somewhat to say on this subject. 

From the beginning of time, children have disobeyed.

Why do we think just teaching our kids NOT to do something will work?

For instance, I taught for a few years about adoption and spoke briefly about abortion in one of our local high schools every May...

...Many parents had their child removed from the class for my presentation.

Every year, five or six kids would be dismissed and then I could start, and every year I was amazed.

How is NOT talking about it going to ever help these kids make a more informed decision?

So I hope we are not too quick to judge...

...Many of these girls and women are pressured by those they trust most.

Let's work harder at talking about the subject.  Let's get ourselves educated for our own children's sake.

We cannot control what our children will do, what mistakes they will make...and they will make mistakes....  But we can control what they learn in our home and whether or not they feel they can trust us...with anything.

Both my Lia and my Jared's birthmothers were told to abort by people they trusted.

Both were left alone, and both contemplated doing it.

We are eternally grateful neither one decided to listen.

But many do.

When the world told them to abort,

Our birthmothers chose to give us life.

And now the world is truly a better place,

because we are still in it.

While I will always be pro-life,  I now feel sorry for those who don't know better or who feel pressure to FIX it.

 I know God has a plan for each of us and he will care for all of the spirits who are taken too soon.

He loves all of us.  Whether we deserve it or not.

And whether you think someone does or not, is not your place.

Let's be a comforting hand, a hand that helps these scared girls to know there is another choice, and then help them through it.

Lots of love,

Niki

My Choice To Stay Home

I grew up with a mom that worked, her mother worked and so did most of my aunts.  I grew up with friends who had mothers that worked and mothers that stayed home.  

In honesty, growing up, I never really thought about whether or not staying at home was the thing for me.  Everyone always asked me what do you want to be when you grow up?

 I never had heard anyone say, "a stay-at-home-mom" before, so it never really crossed my mind.

So I would say, "a teacher" or "a nurse", the ones most girls say.  (no offense to the guy teachers or nurses)

Later on, I wanted to be an architect, I even started going to college for that one.

But as I got older, I realized what I really wanted to do.  I realized in my heart what I really, truly wanted.

To be a stay-at-home-mom.

Now, don't get me wrong here with this post.  Most, if not all of you, who read my blog realize I do not sit very far right on the political side.  I tend to lean a little to the left...but I would say more in the middle. So this post is not about politics or even religion.  

It is about choice.

I am not coming out against women who want to work, or of course, have to work.  I know how this world works.  However, I read a very disturbing article today that demonized MY choice to be a stay-at-home-mom.  The article was about what Anne Summers will be sharing in her new book, (which I won't advertise).  It discribes "my kind" to be, "Yummy Mummies".  She looks at my day as sorting socks, making crafts and cleaning out my linen closets.

I will be honest.  This bothered me a lot.

I went to college.  I have a degree in International Communications.  I speak Japanese.  I have traveled.  I read a lot of books.  I stay up on my current events.  I feel I have not "regressed" the women's rights movement as she put it, but I have made a choice based on my right to do what I wanted most for myself and more importantly for my family.

Now, I know that staying at home with my children has not been all that I thought it would be.  In fact there are days where I wish I could run away screaming.  But I worked before I had kids, and there were plenty of days I wanted to run away from those jobs as well.

I guess what I really want to say is this, regardless of what we choose, we should not look down on anyone for their choice.  For all of you working mothers out there, I respect your decision as I hope you respect mine.  

I feel the most important part of the "women's suffrage" and the "women's rights" movements wasn't about us becoming equal to men, it was about allowing us to choose what we want for ourselves and hopefully what is best for our families.  It was about allowing us to be partners in raising a future generation.  It is not to do exactly what the men were already doing.  I am not a man.  I don't want to be one.  I love being a woman.  And I love being a mother.  

In closing, I hope that as a people we can really stop all this judging.  Stop judging people because of their religion, their color, their politics and their choices.

It isn't our place to judge others...unless it threatens our family's safety.

I am proud of my job.  I love my kids.  I love my family.  This was my choice my decision.  I am a strong woman with very strong opinions.  I am grateful for this trait although I consider it both my strength and my weakness.

And because of that strength, I will never be embarrassed to answer the question of, "what do you do?" with, "I am a stay-at-home mom."

Lots of love,

Niki

The letter "i" is tantrum causing....

Every night, Flavio and I read to to our children both all together and then each child gets one book of their choice alone with mom or dad.  Tonight, Flavio was gone for his church calling so I was left on duty.  The night was going well until it was Lia's turn to read.  

Lia is going through a phase where she wants to learn to read.  This is exciting, I know, however teaching a gifted child anything can be...well, it can be very difficult.  Lia can memorize anything.  I will read one simple book to her and the next night she can say it all back, perfectly.  Unfortunately she thinks this is reading.

So we have been working on our letters.  She knows almost all of the sounds.  So we have been doing simple combinations.

Tonight, while working on this, she said she forgot the sound of "i".  Which of course is fine, but I let her work it out a little.  Then she said it right.  But forgot it again when she needed to combine it with "n" for "in".  I told her she had just said it and she needed to try again...and then she flipped.  So I left.  Well her little tantrum continued as I went to read with Hannah and what you are about to see is after about 3 minutes of this tantrum.

She hates it when I video tape her.  This usually makes her stop.  But not tonight.  This is just a small portion of the video which continued for 3 more minutes until she finally stopped and used her breathing tool to calm down.

This is very typical for my day.  She throws usually one or two of these a day (this one was extra long).  Having a gifted child, while exciting is, for the most part, very difficult.  

She cries more than my two year old and baby combined.  Hands down.

I love my Lia.  

But...

...She is the child that has me on my knees the most.

She is the child that tests my strength, daily.

She is the child I worry about constantly.

She is the child that makes motherhood harder than I could ever imagine.

I hope one day, she will know this.

And know, 

every prayer, 

class, 

book, 

scream,

hug, 

tear 

and punishment 

was done out of love.

lots of love,

A very worn out mother 

Imaging Yourself....

The idea of how we see ourselves is something we don't talk about a lot.  However, it is definitely something we all think about, or better said, worry about often.  As women, we tend to see our faults rather than our positives.  We want what we don't have, we hope to be what we can't.  As women we try to mimic "other" women's beauty by how we dress, do our hair, work out and even sometimes with surgery.   

I remember all too well not feeling pretty growing up.  Feeling left out when the "popular" girls didn't seem to notice me or include me.  When the "rich" girls made fun of my Kmart clothes or Payless shoes.  When I was made fun of because I have too many freckles or because I was too tall.  When I didn't get asked to a dance or turned down for a girl's choice dance (yes, that really happened).  Our self image is very fragile at that time.  And while I have matured and have come to realize what "they" may have said or not said is not true or does not truly reflect who I am, those memories are still with me.  

They helped to shape my self image.

But, not necessarily for the bad.

I am now not oblivious to the pain low self image can cause. I can help my own children have confidence in not only how they look, but how they treat others.

And I am sure I am not alone.

For those of you out there with low self image or if you want your daughter to understand that how the world (the grown up world) sees her is usually very different from how she sees herself,

please watch this amazing piece about how we should try to change our own self image.

It is so worth your time!

http://realbeautysketches.dove.us/

Lots and lots of love,

Niki